One of those

Please tell me why it is that I always feel like writing when I'm down. Seems to me that I would throughly enjoy writing when I was happy as well.
So tonight. Tonight I'm quite obviously down.
I shouldn't be. I have a great life for the most part.

I have a 3.981 GPA. I'm a junior in college and I might possibly be able to graduate early.
I have the most amazing, supportive family.
I have the greatest man in the world at my side.

So why is it that a fight can get me down like this?
Why is it that its 2am and I'm sitting up not being able to sleep?
I don't know.

There is no point at all behind this. No point in my writing tonight. Tonight is just one of those nights. One of those nights when I need someone to listen to my nothings.

One of those.

25

I sat down at the computer today and thought about my long lost blog. I thought about how it felt to put my feelings down as words. And I thought about how I'm not quite ready to express my feelings over the last few months; however, as pointless as it may be--I did feel like writing.

Facebook has a little game going around where you put down 25 random facts about yourself and tag 25 people and hopefully they will do the same. I don't intend on tagging anyone. Obviously.

1. I'm doing my absolute best to graduate with my bachelor's degree a year early--I hope to be accepted into some kind of accelerated program so that I can get my master's within at least 2 years.
2. I am a psychology major, but I have no idea what I want to do with that. My initial plans were based around psychiatry but I realized I have no place in medicine. I have no real desire to simply be a psychologist. I am playing around with the idea of social work--which is what I usually come back to when I deviate even a little.
3. Even though I do not currently want to be any kind of counselor--I picked psychology so that I would be able to understand mental disabilities and disorders. I have several brothers who have suffered from disorders and I wanted to be able to know how to interact with them--How to be the best sister I could be.
4. My brother Ben--the main reason for my interest in psychology--passed away November 23. My interest in psychology has not faded. That makes me believe that psychology was really the right choice for me. Sometimes I feel bitter when I learn a little bit more about the mental disorders he had. I wish I could have known more before (They were not the cause of his death).
5. I am deeply in love with my boyfriend. We have not known each other as long as it feels, but I do know that it is right.
6. I have odd food cravings that come from nowhere. Today I'm craving granola with vanilla yogurt. No raisins please. I haven't had granola in about 7 years.
7. My dog Napoleon is one of my biggest joys.
8. I can be stubborn. I do not like when things do not go my way.
9. I have an irrational hate to being late or having to wait. I get aggitated even waiting 5 minutes.
10. I love the dentist.
11. Reading is a passion. There is nothing better than being beside a pool in my bathing suit reading a good book.
12. I can not sleep in socks.
13. I drive a blue sunfire--which usually is decorated with my school books, notebooks, and papers. They practically engulf the backseat.
14. I finally convinced myself to run at least 5 days a week.
15. I tutor the general psychology classes.
16. I haven't painted my toenails in months.
17. I can not wait to have children. Of course I will wait. I want to be married a few years beforehand. I do not care if I have to stay up all night for months--I really can not wait.
18. I fully intend on marrying Chad.
19. You will never find a greater mother than my own.
20. You will probably never find a pickier eater.
21. I love living in my mountains. I love my town. I love mainstreet--with the historical buildings and antique stores.
22. Dusting is the worst chore imaginable-mostly because of the fact that I love picture frames, candles, and literally every other kind of decoration that gathers dust.
23. I need a job--something that pays a LOT more than my little tutoring position. I've always dreamed about working in a bookstore--I applied to several--never got a call back.
24. I realize that life is not fair in many aspects. I know to not live in my regrets and to fight for my smiles.
25. In the last year I've lost 2 grandparents and my brother. My brother was sick for 9 months before he died. And it was in those 9 months that everything went wrong. My papaw on my mom's side died in April. My grandmother on my dad's side died in October. It has been a rough year.

The Good Things

You'll always have bad times. They just wake you up to the good things you never pay attention to. --Good Will Hunting (maybe not word for word..but close)

As of Late.

Tomorrow I might feel differently, but today there is no living in regret.

I throughly believe that I take advantage of the life I've been given. Maybe not all the time, but I let some days pass by without a thought about what I should be doing with them; however, I don't believe in attempting to throughly structure my life. If I did and something unexpected should happen that would alter the schedule in some small way, it would break. The entire world would come crashing down around my carefully structured life. Perhaps, afterwards, I would be able to create a new world in the damage. Perhaps I would not. It is because of that chance that I try my best to give my life a certain flexibility in the structure. I make goals. Goals that I am fighting to accomplish. Goals that serve multiple purposes and leave my life open to possibilities. Does this make me wishywashy? Does this make me weak? I don't think so. I think the weakness would come into play if I was too scared of change. If I thought that life HAD to be the way I planned. God throws far too many surprises for us to believe that. Strength is a hard thing for me to define. Sometimes even the most unstructured lives find their ways to fall down around me. Which is where the earlier thought of taking my life for granted comes into play. Sometimes I never think about things like losing someone. It is not until after the fact that I realize all that I did take for granted and all of the things I should have done better. Is there anything I can do about it now? No. Not really. I can work as hard as possible to make up for my mistakes but sometimes it adds up to nothing. It is, a majority of the time, a lost cause. Should I regret it? Yes. Should I dwell in my regret? No. I will always do my very best to pick my feet up and build something new--Learning from my mistakes the best way I know how.

Bedtime.

At this exact second I'm dreading going to bed simply because I have no one to hold me until I fall asleep. Ridiculous. It would be amazing. But I'm not picky. If he wouldn't hold me, he could play with my hair, or tickle my neck or back. See? I'm flexible when it comes to cuddling.

Just the highlights

I've been slacking.
I have no idea how to put into words how life has been the last few weeks.
I'm not sure I even want to.

Highlights

• My papaw died April 19th a few minutes before 9pm.
• A lot of family time.
• A lot of tears.
• A military funeral.
• The hospital Ben was stuck in can't take care of their patients.
• Administration was alerted.
• After the staff lied a lot.
• He had an allergic reaction to some meds.
• Finally got transferred to the hospital the EMTs wouldn't take him to to begin with.
• Now hes home.
• The 16 hours of daily nursing hes supposed to get isn't here.
• The company that promised this hasn't hired a nurse.
• Let alone the 2 for the entire 16 hours.
• My moms on her own.
• Giving shots, trach care, daily care, meds.
• The antibiotic had to be preapproved by the insurance company.
• It cost $5,000.
• We had to ask them to loan us 6 pills.
• Insurance did approve.
• I went to my sisters wedding.
• 9 hours in a car there..rehersal dinner that night..wedding the next day..home at 3 (4 my time) got up at 9 (10 my time) showered...drove home.
• Almost had a panic attack at the threat of running into my ex.
• My grandma is trying to hook me up with her preacher's grandson.
• The entire church knows.
• I miss my papaw.
• I miss Ben.
• The man who did Bible study with him came to visit us today.
• His names Tony--wife is Veronica.
• I've had several phone conversations that lasted for several hours.
• I haven't done that in a very long time.
• On the nights I don't have someone to talk to I remember why I quit having those conversations.
• I got an A- in Old Testament and an A in English.
• I haven't slept an entire night in weeks.
• I'm a nervous wreck around Ben.
• I need some new books.
• I just really want to get away.
• The beach would be nice.
• Ben nodded his head today.
• I asked if he was glad to be home and he shook it yes.
• Barely, but enough to see.