I don't know

I don't even know what to write. I don't know how to begin or even if I can. Wednesday Ben was coming home. Joseph kept asking when he'd be home and if he could skip school and so forth. I was still nervous but happy. My mom was at the hospital with him getting his prescriptions and such when the medical care people brought the supplies we needed. That made me the one that had to learn how to use it all. I had a two hour crash course on how to use the bed, oxygen machine, air compressor, suction machine, nebulizer, feeding machine, lift, and the maintenance for them. Then I had to sign for it all, stating that I understood how to use it all. I set all of the things up and explained most of it to Momma. Ben got home around 7ish. We got him in and settled. He was wide awake and looking everywhere he could without having to move his head or neck much. His eyes followed Momma any time she moved. We were told he had a fever (from the pneumonia he has again). And that of course worried us. We were more worried when we found out that the hospital had decreased or stopped several of his medications. We had a nurse come and help momma learn the things she didn't already know about crushing the pills to put in his feeding tube and suctioning the trach. She was there for a few hours. I went to bed and Momma slept in the couch in the living room with him. She woke me up at 4:30 asking me to please come upstairs and turn his oxygen up saying that he was hyperventilating. She called 911. The ambulance came--the volunteers not the paid kind. We told them that we needed him to be taken to Bristol (30 minutish away) rather than the one in our town because it wasn't as equipped to deal with him as Bristol was. And they said that they had a problem with doing that--I completely expected them to say it was because of some protocol about passing up a hospital for another one. I was wrong. The next words out of this mans mouth was, 'we have to go to workin 35 minutes.' I kid you not. They were talking to my mom, if they were talking to me I would have had to say something, but them not actually looking at me and seeing the dumbstruck look on my face helped me keep my tongue long enough to realize we needed their help so I probably shouldn't bitch at them. They agreed to call in to the actual ambulance service we have in town and get another ambulance to our house to take him to Bristol. And then they stood there in the living room--one guy asking Momma questions about his condition and the other just standing. Neither did so much as touch Ben or help my mom. The other ambulance came, by then he was actually in respiratory distress and they had to take him to the hospital we didn't want him at. It was about 15 to 6 once they had gone and my mom collected herself enough to drive to the hospital. I had to stay with Joe--Bill had gotten up in the middle of everything and fed the dogs and went to work like nothing was wrong. I got Joe up about 7:20 and got him in the shower and took him to school. I came to school because I couldn't do anything. Ben was admitted from the ER to the CCU. His aggitation had gotten so bad that his right leg and both feet are raw and bloody again. His heart rate kept increasing. By the time I got there at 11:30 they were saying that something was positive (possibly cardiac enzymes)--but that means that he probably had a heart attack. Again. We had a neurologist (from where..I don't know) come in and talk to us about what we wanted done before he looked at his charts and such. This morning the other doctor was there. He was called off to surgury before he could tell Momma everything, but they've found 2 severe infections in Ben's body. At least one is already in the blood. Hes so sick all over again.

I found out that when the specialty hospital doesn't accept patients it basically means that they have found them to be lacking the ability to get any better. In my opinion that is saying "you're dying, we aren't helping. You can go to a nursing home or home with hospice." So my grandpa is at home. Hes not doing good. They put him on a different kind of oxygen than hes ever been on. He sleeps most of the time--pulling the mask off during his dreams. Moaning and groaning constantly while sleeping. I don't even want to know what hes dreaming about anymore. He told us once that he was having nightmares that there were people trying to take his oxygen from him. Yesterday I walked in the house and my grandma couldn't figure out how to use his bed and had him propped up way too far with his feet up higher than theys hould be. He was stuck--with no energy to help at all and not being able to breathe right. I fixed it and he couldn't even say a word to me. It really is heart breaking.

All of this is heartbreaking and I don't know how much I can take. My mom is the best person I've ever known. She doesn't deserve this pain at all. Her first child, her dad--All at once. We expected this from papaw one day, but not from Ben. And we weren't expecting anything now. Not now.

I don't know whats going to happen.

I will never forget..

Obviously it's April 16th. Its been one year exactly since the Virginia Tech Massacre. In just a few minutes a year ago I first heard of it happening. I was sitting in AP Chemistry and 3 of my friends were acting funny and had their phones out (which really wasn't a rare thing--the phone thing..but usually they at least tried to hide it better...) Eventually one of them told us that her sister had called her telling her about it (both her sisters were there) and they were attempting to get in touch with the other girls family and several of our friends. We turned the TV on and amazingly enough the main TV in the library wasn't on the news stations (which means we couldn't be of course). Our teacher ran to go get them to turn it on any kind of news station...and the librarian said that she wasn't allowed. Our principal had told her she couldn't--he didn't want to send the school into a panic. He came up to our room a few minutes later to tell us we shouldn't tell people and that we couldn't watch the news. The second he left we got on the internet--the internet is amazing of course. And we watched everything they had on there. No AP Chemistry that day. He came back in later and caught us but I'm thinking he knew better than to tell us we couldn't--and then of course made the announcement right as that class was letting out. Then ALLOWED us to watch 5 minutes of the news before the last to periods. 5 minutes is really nothing. My mom called me AT school to ask about some of my friends families--which were ok. We were lucky to not know anyone that was killed. The guys roommate the semester before was the guy whos locker was beside mine for the first year or two in high school. He was on the Today Show and all this stuff. Just thinking about that is weird to me.

What you should get out of that is how pissed off I was that our principal wouldn't let us know what was going on. That is simply stupid. A major college an hour and a half down the road--where a lot of our graduates went--were suffering a major massacre and he wouldn't let us watch the stupid news. September 11th--we watched the news all day and I was in 7th grade. Sure April 16th wasn't a mass attack upon the US..but it was a mass attack in our area--with a higher percentage of people we went to school with--our friends and family..and he didn't want us to even know about it.

When this happened I had narrowed my college choices down to VT or Radford...(I applied to King because it was free and you got a Tshirt when you were accepted--I didn't decide to go there until pretty much the last minute)...This shooting made my decision for me. It wasn't as easy as you'd think though. Half of me wanted to go there--to support--to help build the community moral back up--to just be there with those people. The bigger, more human part of me was terrified.

I am mostly rambling about it all. Its still a sore spot in our lives. I had a lot of friends or even mere acquaintances there then and more now.

I'm praying for the people affected daily.

Ben is coming home today. I'm so nervous. My grandpa is being taken home today too--hes going to have hospice taking care of him.

Do you realize?

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense.

NO CHEATING!

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY? Stealing Cinderella-Chuck Wicks
WHAT'S YOUR OUTLOOK ON LIFE? I Saw God Today-George Strait
WHAT DOES YOUR FAMILY THINK OF YOU? Sleep All Day-Jason Mraz
WHAT DO STRANGERS THINK OF YOU? 7th Symphony-Beethoven
WHAT DO YOUR EXES THINK OF YOU? Always Think of You-Amber Pacific
HOW IS YOUR LOVE LIFE? Pretty Girl-Sugarcult
HOW WILL YOUR LOVE LIFE BE IN THE FUTURE? Sun is Shining-Bob Marley
WILL YOU HAVE KIDS? Sweet Virginia-Gomez
ARE YOU GOOD AT SCHOOL? Sorry-Buckcherry
WILL YOU BE SUCESSFUL IN SCHOOL? One Love-Bob Marley
WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY? A Girl Like That-Keith Urban
WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL? Hummingbird-Wilco
THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE: Lullaby-Billy Joel
YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIEND ARE: Quiet-John Mayer
HAPPY TIMES: Colorful-Rocco Deluca and the Burden
SAD TIMES: Violin Concerto No. 3-Mozart
EVERY DAY: Alone-Sick Puppies
FOR TOMORROW: I Want More-The Little Mermaid
FOR YOU: Over My Head-The Fray
WHAT DOES NEXT YEAR HAVE IN STORE FOR ME? Best I've Ever Had-Verticle Horizon
WHAT DO I SAY WHEN LIFE GETS TOO HARD? Love Song for No One-John Mayer
WHAT SONG WILL I DANCE TO AT MY WEDDING? Angels-Robbie Williams
WHAT DO YOU WANT AS A CAREER? The Kill-30 Seconds to Mars
YOUR FAVOURITE SAYING? What If-Coldplay
HOW WILL I DIE? Can You Feel The Love Tonight-The Lion King
SONG THAT YOU'LL PUT AS SUBJECT? Do You Realize-The Flaming Lips

Update

School is almost over. Summer break is almost here. I'm so thankful I decided against taking summer classes. So, so thankful. I need this break in every way for every reason. My last hard week until exam time is now over. My borderline personality disorder paper is finished, turned in, and now all that I'm lacking in that class is the presentation and that isn't until monday the 21st (no exam thank God). My last essay in Old Testament is finished and turned in. I'm a bit nervous about the grade but I'll be ok. The last BIG test before exams is over too. We have maybe 2 more quizzes but I can get through those as long as I read throughly. I still have to do my presentation in Fitness..but thats almost a joke. Then I won't have that class the last few days (or so he says...in my opinion we aren't going to get through with our presentations in time to take those off). Either way, thats good. My western civ is killing me. The teacher told me he'd email me the quiz I missed the day Ben was bad off, but hes yet to email it--even after 3 emails from me. We have one last test in Psych and hes using that on the exam--so its just the last few chapters. The End. So recap--my only hard exams will be OT and Western Civ. But mainly just because those will cover the entire semester. Well I guess Fitness will be too? I have no idea.

Our outside dogs disappeared thursday (when I was in the process of studying and writing OT stuff)..It was extremely depressing; however, a woman called friday afternoon saying she'd found them and brought them home. She worked down the road and saw them on the railroad tracks and took them home with her....which somewhat pissed me off simply because they would have been home within like 2 minutes if she'd let them be. But she didn't want them on the tracks. yea yea. Great for her. I had to pull the puppy, Chester out of her daughters arms. She'd named him Chestnut (which is pretty cool considering its so freaking close to his name).

I saw Ben on Saturday. Friday was a great day for him. He sucked a melted popcicle off of a spongue thing (the one they use to put water in his mouth when its too dry). Pretty cool since we were told he probably wouldn't eat anything through his mouth ever again. It was also the first day since Monday he'd opened his eyes. When momma called to check on him before driving the 2 hours to see him (well 3 and a half or so from her work--which of course is where she was) the nurse said he'd been awake all morning and that she turned on TV and asked what his favorite cartoons were (Tom and Jerry)..which was what was on..so that was pretty cool too. When I was there friday momma asked him to blink if he remembered me falling out of the treehouse when I was 4 and him carrying me inside the house. He blinked. I cried--which was hard to not let momma see but I did it.

I saw 21. I went bowling--bought socks out of a vending machine (3 stupid dollars) then Amanda spent a ton of money in the stick on tattoo quarter machine to get the tattoo Alicia and I had been fortuate enough to get. Thats only about half of them in the picture.

We went to eat at Logans..and that was pretty much my weekend. Not really restful after the extremely stressful week last week. But still. Today they are supposed to be moving my Papaw to the specialty hospital a bit farther away than my school. That will be so much better than a nursing home for right now.

Momma is still trying to work out finding a neuroligist to take Ben on as a patient and come to our house so we'll be able to bring him home. Shes found the other kind of doctor he needs I think...so its all down to this. Bad thing is, we don't have any neurologists in this area...so. yea.

And I guess thats all. Nothing serious to report. Just stress I suppose. Or the calming down of it. Either way..yes.

Anyone have a favorite?

I got bored today. So I took pictures..yea

Thats our house in the background..with Joe's motorcycle on the porch or course..where else?

I don't even remember where I was when I took this...Its been on my camera for a while.
Joe making faces at Napoleon. He usually makes faces back..and he was..he just quit when I snapped the picture..hes sneaky like that
We have 3 of these trees in our yard. Gorgeous (the tree, not me)

Haha. Wind

I don't even really know. I'm not crazy about it at all.

Joe picked the color of course

My absolute favorite

Motivation and Inspiration

Alright. Summary on my yesterday.
It was long and somewhat boring. Bill was back which sucked. I finished reading pride and prejudice--props to the writers of the movie script--they did a pretty good job. I watched the movie--twice. And I sat around doing pretty much nothing until about 4:30 when I went to my friend's house for a cookout and movie night.

My mom told me yesterday that she wants to bring Ben home. She wanted to know if I had an objection to it. And of course I don't in most aspects. I mean we could make it happen. Hes eligible for so many hours of nursing if he comes home and of course the doctor would come to us and such. My worries are personal I guess. First off (because selfishly its what came to mind first), I can't help. That IS selfish. I know that. But as I've said before, I just freak out. Really, hospitals just...ugh. I can't do those things. I can't move him around and do what he needs. She can and the nurse can and all that..but shes going to ask my help. And I just...can't. I can't do it. I can sit and talk to him and such..but I can't be left alone in charge of him. I can not be there alone if something happens. I can't do that. Another thing, have you ever noticed how long it takes an ambulance to respond to a 911 call from any residence? Nursing homes are different for some reason--plus they have the skilled nurses there all the time to help during the wait. What would we do if he suddenly got critical? I know what I would do. I would panic. I would stand there and cry. Thirdly, where would we put him? We have an extra bedroom...kind of. Its my moms office. Bill broke the lights when he put the new fan in. Its always too hot or too cold. Plus its upstairs. Now it could be done by moving my mom and bills room up there and giving the only downstairs room to him. And her office could be moved anywhere else that we don't really have room for either. But its possible.
I don't want to be negative about the thought. I want him where I can see him daily. I want him home where he can know we're there. I am willing to sacrifice so much to make that possible. But theres just things that I physically and mentally can not do. And I know my mom will hate me for that. Ok maybe not hate me..but resent me in so many ways.

I talked to my dad last night. He told me that they think my grandma has lung cancer. They found out by accident that some kind of xrays show a spot on her lungs that wasn't there not long ago. Which means that if it is cancer--its in its early stages. She goes on the 15th to talk to the doctors about it and such. I'm not sure if thats when they're going to really test it or not.

One more thing to worry about.

I really don't know what else to say. There are a million things running through my mind to talk about but there is no real inspiration at the moment. Motivation and inspiration are the key.

Survey

If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to? My best friends

Who do you miss? Theres a few people

Is it cute when a male calls you babe? It depends more upon the male and how he says "babe"

What was the last thing you put in your mouth? water

What was the last song you listened to? I'm not even sure

What's irritating you right now? A lot of stuff. I'm hungry. I broke a nail yesterday. 3 people pulled out in front of me on my way home, I'm still irritated about that. Having to babysit--but thats a neccessity

Are you signed onto AIM? of course

If you could have any car what would it be? I don't even know..a pretty one

What are you stressed out about? Everything. My brother, my grandpa, school

Do you regret something you did yesterday? Not yet, but I'm sure I will later

Do you have anything in your pockets right now? I don't have pockets right now

How many windows are open on your computer? 4

What are the colors of your wall? light, minty green

How many hours did you sleep last night? I'm not sure. somewhere around 10--doesn't happen often

Is something bothering you right now? Yes

Have you been outside today? Yes, its raining

Are you shy? Sometimes

Last person you saw? Joseph

Last person you talked on the phone with? madre

In the past week have you gotten sick? Somewhat

In the past week have you gotten your hair cut? No

In the past week have you listened to music? Always

Did you hug anyone today? Not today

What about kiss? Not today

What are you doing this weekend? Babysitting. yep

A day from hell

Yesterday.
A day sent straight from hell.
To torment me and the rest of my family.

Ben had a great first full day out of the hospital. The home ordered him an extra long bed so that he couldnt kick the bottom--and if he did move around enough to kick the bottom they had a foam thing over the wood so he couldn't hurt himself badly before they found him. They kept the fan on him to help with the constant temperatures. They found some kind of therapy tool to brace his knees so that he could still move but not rub his legs together. It was an encouraging day.

But then we had yesterday.

I was sitting in my 9am class waiting for it to get started when my mom called me--around 9:10. I answered of course and she said that the nursing home had called her and that Ben had gone into cardiorespiratory arrest and that they were having him transported to a hospital. My mom was on her way to the hospital and she told me to just stay at school and that I needed to be around after school to pick up Joseph and his friend that they'd planned on coming over to play. So I sat through class--we went to the gym and I was keeping it in until a guy in my class asked if I was ok...and of course I wasn't. So of course I was crying and kind of explaining to him, but I probably just sounded like a raving lunitic. I left the gym and went outside to calm myself downn--still fully intending to stay the rest of the day--I had a test and a paper in the next two classes. Then a girl from class came outside to check on me. She was talking about prayer and how I could talk to her and it was really great--but theres no way I could talk so I just wound up crying harder. Then I went home.

I was home about an hour when my mom called me again saying that my aunt had just called her and that she'd been calling the hospital to check on my papaw and no one was picking up in his room--so she'd finally gotten in touch with the nurses station and they told her he was in surgery having some kind of procedure on his lungs. No one was down there with my grandma--so I had to go search them out. Found out that his lung had collapsed.

It was a day from hell.

Ben is in ICU--momma wouldn't let them put him back on the ventilator because of the infection in his lungs so it was extremely touch and go. His fever started to go down at about 2 this morning, but its still 101.8. The nurses wont tell her anything about his condition or the tests they're running--they say to talk to the doctor--but of course the doctor hasn't been in yet.

So of course he is stablizing now but his aggitation is off the charts.

Today has been a run on from yesterday--not quite a day from hell yet but its not been good.

My mom stayed with Ben last night--My step dad is out of town (which I am super excited hes gone)--but that leaves me with my 9 year old brother--playing mom.

I fell down the stairs this morning. Forgot Joseph's lunch because I was trying to feed the dogs. I didn't give my napoleon any water (hopefully hes still got some from yesterday). I forgot to feed the birds and the dogs. I was late getting Joseph to school because he refused to buy lunch when he didn't know what they were having (aprils lunch calender isn't out yet). Had to put makeup on in the car--which I wouldn't have worn it but these circles under my eyes are insane today.

I'm not good at playing mom and still doing the things I need to do. I even got up early.

Another blog from the car...

Here I am blogging from the passenger seat of my moms jeep again...

I'm really not sure exactly how legal (or illegal) it is to have an open laptop in the front seat at all..so..we'll see I guess.

Today is most obviously April fools day. We played a masterful prank on one of our friends. Tyler owns a BIG truck. A big truck that neither Alicia nor I could drive. So we called our friend Amanda and told her that Tyler had gotten pulled over for speeding and Casey had forgotten to go to court on friday and had a warrent out--so as Casey was getting arrested Tyler started going at the cop and cussing him..so he got arrested. And of course Alicia and I were stuck with the big truck and needed a ride. And of course she came. She held Alicia as she 'cried.' She even started planning to pay the bonds and asked her parents to borrow money and such. So that says a lot for our friendship. I mean that she would do all of that for us. I love her. She probably hates us a little bit right now though. I would..ha.

In a nearby town somebody let all the air out of the bus tires so that the school was on a delay.

They discharged Ben today. We found a place about an hour or so away to put him. We're on our way there now to meet the ambulance. We don't know when it will get here. We might not get home until 3ish. We'll see.

They took the fluid out of my papaws lungs today. Stuck a needle in his back and into his lungs and took it out. The thought freaks me out. He was in so much pain..still is. They told him lung/breathing wise he'd feel better immediately..he said they lied.

I had a lot of news. But I don't know.

About two years ago a guy I was friends with killed himself. I say we were friends--but not close friends. We hardly ever talked really. The guy I dated for 4 years on and off was one of his good friends. He was in my art class that year and was one of the most amusing people I've ever met. He was funny in a loud, obnoxious kind of way. He didn't seem to care if he offended people and was always up getting into something and entertaining the entire room. I got a phone call as my brothers ex girlfriend was doing my makeup from a friend saying that Spence had shot himself. So that put it up to me to call Shane and tell him--that on the day of his senior prom--his friend had shot himself. He called his friends after he'd picked me up and talked to them. They said that the family was at the hospital and that friends couldn't go in to see him. They were told to leave and go to prom and such. We left early so Shane could be with their friends. The same friend who'd told me the day before called me the next day and told me that Spence had died the day before--that his family just didn't tell anyone--because they didn't want it to affect prom. Of course that put it up to me to call Shane (who was at work with another of Spence's friends) and tell them that their friend had died. It was a hard call. One of the hardest I've ever made. It made the end of the year at school so hard. We sat in art class doing nothing.--sometimes just wondering the halls. Shane didn't come back to school for 2 or 3 weeks. A lot of his friends got tattoos in remembrance of him--including his mom.

That changed my life. That made me realize that life was so breakable. I wanted to make the most of it. I know that--but I haven't completely done that.