Motivation and Inspiration

Alright. Summary on my yesterday.
It was long and somewhat boring. Bill was back which sucked. I finished reading pride and prejudice--props to the writers of the movie script--they did a pretty good job. I watched the movie--twice. And I sat around doing pretty much nothing until about 4:30 when I went to my friend's house for a cookout and movie night.

My mom told me yesterday that she wants to bring Ben home. She wanted to know if I had an objection to it. And of course I don't in most aspects. I mean we could make it happen. Hes eligible for so many hours of nursing if he comes home and of course the doctor would come to us and such. My worries are personal I guess. First off (because selfishly its what came to mind first), I can't help. That IS selfish. I know that. But as I've said before, I just freak out. Really, hospitals just...ugh. I can't do those things. I can't move him around and do what he needs. She can and the nurse can and all that..but shes going to ask my help. And I just...can't. I can't do it. I can sit and talk to him and such..but I can't be left alone in charge of him. I can not be there alone if something happens. I can't do that. Another thing, have you ever noticed how long it takes an ambulance to respond to a 911 call from any residence? Nursing homes are different for some reason--plus they have the skilled nurses there all the time to help during the wait. What would we do if he suddenly got critical? I know what I would do. I would panic. I would stand there and cry. Thirdly, where would we put him? We have an extra bedroom...kind of. Its my moms office. Bill broke the lights when he put the new fan in. Its always too hot or too cold. Plus its upstairs. Now it could be done by moving my mom and bills room up there and giving the only downstairs room to him. And her office could be moved anywhere else that we don't really have room for either. But its possible.
I don't want to be negative about the thought. I want him where I can see him daily. I want him home where he can know we're there. I am willing to sacrifice so much to make that possible. But theres just things that I physically and mentally can not do. And I know my mom will hate me for that. Ok maybe not hate me..but resent me in so many ways.

I talked to my dad last night. He told me that they think my grandma has lung cancer. They found out by accident that some kind of xrays show a spot on her lungs that wasn't there not long ago. Which means that if it is cancer--its in its early stages. She goes on the 15th to talk to the doctors about it and such. I'm not sure if thats when they're going to really test it or not.

One more thing to worry about.

I really don't know what else to say. There are a million things running through my mind to talk about but there is no real inspiration at the moment. Motivation and inspiration are the key.