Tomorrow I might feel differently, but today there is no living in regret.

I throughly believe that I take advantage of the life I've been given. Maybe not all the time, but I let some days pass by without a thought about what I should be doing with them; however, I don't believe in attempting to throughly structure my life. If I did and something unexpected should happen that would alter the schedule in some small way, it would break. The entire world would come crashing down around my carefully structured life. Perhaps, afterwards, I would be able to create a new world in the damage. Perhaps I would not. It is because of that chance that I try my best to give my life a certain flexibility in the structure. I make goals. Goals that I am fighting to accomplish. Goals that serve multiple purposes and leave my life open to possibilities. Does this make me wishywashy? Does this make me weak? I don't think so. I think the weakness would come into play if I was too scared of change. If I thought that life HAD to be the way I planned. God throws far too many surprises for us to believe that. Strength is a hard thing for me to define. Sometimes even the most unstructured lives find their ways to fall down around me. Which is where the earlier thought of taking my life for granted comes into play. Sometimes I never think about things like losing someone. It is not until after the fact that I realize all that I did take for granted and all of the things I should have done better. Is there anything I can do about it now? No. Not really. I can work as hard as possible to make up for my mistakes but sometimes it adds up to nothing. It is, a majority of the time, a lost cause. Should I regret it? Yes. Should I dwell in my regret? No. I will always do my very best to pick my feet up and build something new--Learning from my mistakes the best way I know how.

Bedtime.

At this exact second I'm dreading going to bed simply because I have no one to hold me until I fall asleep. Ridiculous. It would be amazing. But I'm not picky. If he wouldn't hold me, he could play with my hair, or tickle my neck or back. See? I'm flexible when it comes to cuddling.

Just the highlights

I've been slacking.
I have no idea how to put into words how life has been the last few weeks.
I'm not sure I even want to.

Highlights

• My papaw died April 19th a few minutes before 9pm.
• A lot of family time.
• A lot of tears.
• A military funeral.
• The hospital Ben was stuck in can't take care of their patients.
• Administration was alerted.
• After the staff lied a lot.
• He had an allergic reaction to some meds.
• Finally got transferred to the hospital the EMTs wouldn't take him to to begin with.
• Now hes home.
• The 16 hours of daily nursing hes supposed to get isn't here.
• The company that promised this hasn't hired a nurse.
• Let alone the 2 for the entire 16 hours.
• My moms on her own.
• Giving shots, trach care, daily care, meds.
• The antibiotic had to be preapproved by the insurance company.
• It cost $5,000.
• We had to ask them to loan us 6 pills.
• Insurance did approve.
• I went to my sisters wedding.
• 9 hours in a car there..rehersal dinner that night..wedding the next day..home at 3 (4 my time) got up at 9 (10 my time) showered...drove home.
• Almost had a panic attack at the threat of running into my ex.
• My grandma is trying to hook me up with her preacher's grandson.
• The entire church knows.
• I miss my papaw.
• I miss Ben.
• The man who did Bible study with him came to visit us today.
• His names Tony--wife is Veronica.
• I've had several phone conversations that lasted for several hours.
• I haven't done that in a very long time.
• On the nights I don't have someone to talk to I remember why I quit having those conversations.
• I got an A- in Old Testament and an A in English.
• I haven't slept an entire night in weeks.
• I'm a nervous wreck around Ben.
• I need some new books.
• I just really want to get away.
• The beach would be nice.
• Ben nodded his head today.
• I asked if he was glad to be home and he shook it yes.
• Barely, but enough to see.