Scars?

I'm going to get to see Ben tomorrow for the first time since the 2nd. I'm scared I wont be able to handle it. I personally don't know how hes doing today. I had to get up at come to school at 9:15 even though I didn't have class because we had an essay due. Then I went and drove around for ages and went to the mall and bought those shoes I wanted and a shirt. I saw my aunt. Everybody keeps asking me how my mom is...whether its in person or when they call and shes not there. Do they expect me to say shes fine or do they expect me to say shes doing horrible? I can see this is ripping her apart. I mean its ripping us all apart. But my mom is one of the strongest woman in history--at least in front of us. I've seen her break down and cry a few times during all this...but shes handling it. Shes hired two attornies. Shes calling the hospital around the clock asking questions and writing every single thing down. Shes working on her second notebook. She is doing what needs to be done. Shes not fine. Shes even more broken than I am. Shes taken care of him his entire life. She gave him his meds everyday. She took him places when he needed. She bought his groceries. She took him to the doctor. She let him put a trailer in our yard so she could take care of him. Hes her oldest--her first.

Sadly the dining hall has apparently decided that since its almost spring break they've quit on the chocolate milk. I was stuck with cherry coke again (because as much as I love water...I'm sick of drinking it while I'm eating)..not that cherry coke is bad..its one of my absolute favorites of course...but I quit drinking soda in general a few years ago and now drinking an entire cup of any kind makes my stomach hurt. I can't imagine what it was doing to me when I was used to drinking several cups a day.

I have one more class then 9 glorious class free days. I'm throughly excited about the aspect. I wish I was going somewhere. Gatlinburg would be fun. Maybe I can convince someone to go with me. Although it would probably have to be on the weekend since most of my friends would be working or not on their spring breaks yet. I intend to go to Johnson City to the mall at least once. That is about as exciting as my life gets. ugh. When it gets warm I want to go to Carowinds...I love rollercoasters.

I Do Love Chocolate Milk

Update on Ben news. Hes hardly sedated anymore. Momma asked the nurse if hes responding at all. She said that sometimes she will talk to him and he makes eye contact, but she can walk around the bed and he doesn't follow. Neurology is still working with him of course, but they haven't told the nurses very much. Because of the pneumonia hes still coughing up a lot of nasty stuff from his lungs. They set him up in this special chair thing for a few hours today. Hes got a collar thing on that has something to do with the traech (I have no idea how I'd spell that). Today, hes got to go in and get a CT scan of his chest today because of the pneumonia and such now. I think thats all we know thats new. I can't stand the thought that he might not be there anymore. Whats going on behind his eyes? Is he in there?

My papaw fell down last night again. Thats the 4th or 5th time since new years. He hurt his head and bent up his glasses but other than that hes ok I think. I hate that he has to be on the oxygen. Don't smoke. It ruins your health. Do you really want to have to lug around a tank of oxygen everywhere you go? To the point where you can't even really go anywhere for more than a few hours because you might run out? I was at church with him once and he was pointing out his old 'smoking buddies' to me. He pointed out two or three men on oxygen and continued to tell me about a few more who had died of lung cancer or Emphysema. See the connection?

Of course I'm allergic to smoke in general...couldn't smoke even if I wanted to.

It snowed again last night and we were on a delay--which is absolutly crazy since King is never on delays or canceled. My western civ exam was decent I think. I was pretty sure about all the questions. Thats exciting.

I've been craving my daily dose of chocolate milk I've became addicted to over the last semester. And of course I finally get time to go eat in the dining hall, and they have no chocolate milk.

In all reality this is the most depressed I've been. But I'm still standing. I'm handling life so much better than I have on previous occasions. It makes me feel better about myself in so many ways. I don't think it means that I'm stronger..just different.

"Don’t let the past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of who you become."

It Snowed Today

Yesterday they did the tracheostomy on Ben. Tomorrow they are going to put the collar thing on him and see if he handles that ok. Today they put the feeding tube in his stomach. He'll be able to get more nutrients and medications directly now. My mom got some medical records from the first hospital (they aren't complete because they have no actual lab results and such). First thing we see...the jail states that hes currently on no medications (kind of messes up their claims now they were giving him his meds and the few times we've heard of them saying that he was refusing his meds). Ben does not refuse his meds..Ever. They've gotten some records from some unknown place saying that he was in an emergency department in Johnson City a year ago...which of course is not true? Hes never gone to a doctor in Johnson City? The jails records are obviously wrong..or made up. Either way.

Because of the medical furlow, the jail is trying to get out of the bills. Ben's current medicare doesn't cover this...the social worker working with everything was supposed to set us up a phone interview with a medicaid person today but we never got a call. We've been told we need to start looking at nursing homes of some kind. Possibly rehibilitation centers...but you have to be at a certain level to do that. We're going to have to pay for the transportation whenever he needs to be moved. $300 to get the ambulance plus so much per mile...considering hes 5 hours away...thats a lot of miles. The social worker is severely upset with the jail (not so much as we are). She asked today why they took him to Richmond and of course we don't know why they chose Richmond...we have several good/big hospital facilities closer. It just doesn't make sense. I'm glad he is where he is though--they're taking care of him.

It snowed today. I wasn't lucky enough to have school canceled (even though so many people didn't come to my 9:15 class that we didn't have it..just got our quizes from monday back). My car doors were frozen shut and it took me 20 minutes of fighting the door to get it open. I'm not bitter though. I love snow.

We had an australian singer in chapel today--Nathan Tasker. I loved him. Even though it was just the school chapel thing, its the first time I've gone to any kind of church since all this has started. I felt like I was on the verge of breaking down through most of it. Especially when he started to sing his version of "All is Well." That was hard.

There was a shooting near school today. They shut all the gates at King except the main one 'just in case.' A guy killed 4 people then later they found him dead either at his house or near his house. He'd shot himself. I just really don't understand. How could you do that?

A Reason.

So last night was obviously a weak point in my strong front. I thank all those who talked to me and left me comments. Having support helps tremendously. And of course I have my family.

I'm not so much of a negative person. I usually look around to the brighter side of things. My outlook on life is strongly influenced by the "every cloud has a silver lining" approach to life. Through everything thats happened to me I've always been like that. Perhaps its naive. Perhaps its one of the reasons this is so hard right now.

I've had a lot on my mind these last few days. I failed to mention the fact that Saturday I drove up to VT to see my cousin run in a track meet. She runs for University of Alabama Huntsville. It was pretty amazing. The number of people in the indoor track was simply astounding. There was virtually no seating. It was truly an experience.

It rained last night. I left my car window down. A cat (or some other kind of animal...Personally I hope it was a cat) got in my car and shredded a mcdonalds bag full of trash and papers where I'd cleaned out my armrest yesterday when I was bored. That should be fun to clean up eventually.

I got Bomar--my fitness coach and one of the track coachs--to give me extra credit for being at that track meet. Maybe. He said he would if I could tell him one of the events that one of King's girls ran in. I was pretty sure one ran the 400....and he wanted to know if she was black or white and I said I had no idea that I just remember seeing king on a uniform. Thats where the maybe comes in.

Heres a quote from Marilyn Monroe. “I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they’re right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

No Kind of Life.

So I can't sleep.

I feel like I've been shattered over and over again. Past the point where the little shards could be put back together again. Over and over again beyond that. Until I those shards are simply grains of sand. Sand easily blown away by the wind. I'm losing myself. Or maybe I'm just changing. Its not easy. Life isn't easy. I've always know this. Life shouldn't be like this though. This is no kind of life.

Taken For Granted

This month I've learned to never take things for granted. And in all reality I usually don't when it comes to friends or events in my life; however, I haven't done very well in not taking my family for granted. Everyone experiences the loss of a friend. Friendships don't always last. As you grow older they sometimes fray or blur. Family is a different matter. Sure some families grow apart and are fine seeing each other once a year or less and talking every few months. But even despite that, they will always be family. Its not until you could possibly lose someone or already have lost someone that you realize just what you were doing wrong.

The neurologists have decided for sure that my brother has suffered brain injury due to lack of oxygen. The doctors told us yesterday that on top of everything else when they were transporting him from the hospital here to richmond his ventilator tube fell out and they had to detour to another hospital on the way to get it fixed. They don't know the severity of the damage yet. His body is jerking uncontrollably--so bad at times that hes tied to the bed so he doesn't fall out. Hes still somewhat sedated but he didn't respond to my mom, uncle, or cousin at all again yesterday. They say that the neurologists need another week or so to decide the level of brain damage and depending on what they say the doctors will start taking long term actions. They mentioned one of those things in your throat to keep an open airway and permenant feeding tubes.

The jail did a medical furlow now that they realize the condition hes in. They won't have to pay their guards to drive back and forth and won't have to deal with the medical bills and in getting out of it now they can back out of the spotlight.

It isn't fair. He didn't deserve that. Hes lived 28 years with so many problems and disabilities We didn't deserve that. No one does.

I keep repeating Philippians 4:13 in my head. Just over and over. Its not helping yet.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

Creating Myself

The jail has been saying that they have documentation that Ben's has a history of seizures so that they can push all this off on his medical history. But its not true. Ben's never had a seizure in his life until now. And it happened in their care.

The lawyer did some stupid stuff today. Trying to get him released from the hospital. Why would he do that?

I have a very little tolerance for stupid people. My patience is lacking in just about every way possible.

Changing topics. Isn't it always really weird that people can change the storyline of books so much when they make them into movies? And whats even more odd is the fact that you can absolutly love both story lines. Take Troy and The Iliad for instance. The Iliad is obviously a classic. You can't beat it. The witty humor and the extreme complexity of the people and gods. And then you have Troy. Troy is an absolutly amazing movie and yet it is completely different. The characters have completely different personalites especially Hector, considering Hector is somewhat a wimp in the book compared to the movie. Simply consider the scene of his death. In the book he runs from Achilles around and around the city walls...afraid of death. In the movie, he is a great man who accepts that he would probably die but fights anyway. In all reality the themes in the book are warfare and pride. The movie is about drama and love. The movie gives incite to the women's point of view.

My favorite quote of today: "Life isn't about finding yourself. Its about creating yourself."

And one from Juno because it rocked: "You're the coolest person I've ever met and you don't even have to try."

Grief

Its not good. Just really not good.

Ben's blood tests are coming back showing major muscle deterioration. And today they've reduced his sedation but he doesn't seem to be responding.

They finally let my mom see him yesterday. She is really upset because he didn't respond to her. She stared at his heart rate moniter the entire time hoping he'd recognize her voice with no luck.

Hes got pneumonia in his left lung and an enlarged liver, but hes mainly in the hands of neurologists.

Keep praying for him. Pray for my mom. Pray for my grandparents.

I've sat here looking for inspirational quotes for the last while. Most of them are about how the sorrow in life makes you realize how special your life is. They all seem so egotistical. I do believe that loss and grief eventually make you stronger. It can either make you bitter or congenial. It is about how you deal with it.


“Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size”--Mark Twain

Useless

My brother's lawyer set it up so that my mom could go see my brother for 30 minutes today. Shes on her way up there now. Its something.

BJ left for Texas today..not quite as exciting as Japan the other week. I wouldn't mind going somewhere...The beach perhaps...or somewhere with a lot of snow. I wouldn't mind making a snowman.

I promised Joe some cupcakes last night; however, we had not cake mix. I just need to go buy some cake mix. Should make for an interesting night.

Ever wonder what makes people unique? Is it our thought processes themselves? What aspect of our personality pushes us to be different? Thats my question of the day.

Today I realized that more often than not I'm walking around with writing on my hands. Its usually the names of songs or bands that I like. I tend to realize how much I like these songs while I'm driving...and knowing I won't remember them later I have to write them down. Do you realize how hard it is to write notes to yourself on your hand while you're driving down the road? I'm a safe one, aren't I?

Something random about myself: I discovered that I couldn't ever row a boat while in the weight room last week.

Where Was I?

Where Was I -- Paul Thorn

On a black and white TV back in grammar school,

I was watching Neil Armstrong walking on the moon.

That same day I pretended I was an astronaut.

On the playground monkey bars I flew above the stars

I was in a Dallas Disco the night John Lenon died.

The DJ played "Imagine" and everybody cried.

I remember a thousand lighters held up in our hands.

All we were all saying was, lets give peace a chance.

Where was I when you stopped loving me?

When did I become history?

Theres not many things that escape my memory.

Tell me, where was I when you stopped loving me?

Every twenty thousand years, that commet lights up the night.

On a blanket we watched it sail across the sky.

A moment like that comes just once in life.

It felt like our first time at 11:35.

Where was I when you stopped loving me?

When did I become history?

Theres not many things that escape my memory.

Tell me, where was I when you stopped loving me?

I remember when I met you,

The taste of our first kiss.

I remember your goodbye,

but could you tell me this?

Where was I when you stopped loving me?

When did I become history?

Theres not many things that escape my memory.

Where was I when you stopped loving me?

Where was I when you stopped loving me?

• I heard this song on the way to school this morning and I obviously loved it. I didn't cry. I'm proud of that much. But truly..who hasn't felt like that at some point or another? Those who haven't either will eventually, they don't have emotions, or they haven't found the right person. Sorry, but thats my opinion.

So tell me.

So please tell me. What kind of society do we live in that we can't help people in fear that we will get hurt in the process? You pass a hitchhiker on the side of the road and don't help...why? Because you don't know them--they could be serial killers after all. And you're plagued with that feeling farther down the road that maybe that person needed you. You could have made a difference in their life at that second..just by giving them a ride. But we tend to look out for ourselves and no one else, thats how we survive after all. You can't give a homeless person money because they will use it for drugs or alcohol rather than food or shelter. We can't just help each other in those ways. Society sucks. Everything is simply a double edged blade--it will cut you either way.

I personally have never had a problem with our police force. They've done their job. They've kept me safe. But now I have very little faith. And I guess I shouldn't really say the police force in general...I don't really know what to call the people at the regional jail (not all of them). There is always going to be those people who abuse their power just because they can--and they ruin it for everyone. Who said that just because a person was in jail that they did not deserve the right to be treated fairly? I confess that I've always thought that it was ridiculous that inmates had cable tv and I didn't. But those things are luxuries and I'm not going into that right now. I am going to question where do they get the right to take an inmate with psychological problems off of their medications and expect them to be ok? How can they live with themselves seeing them going through withdrawls of drugs that they actually need...their prescribed medications from actual doctors and psychaitrists. These are the drugs that allow them to lead a semi-normal life--the medications which allow them to control themselves when they couldn't otherwise. To take those away and leave them in the phsyical condition of pain and messes up their bodys enough to go into seizures....seizures bad enough to mess them up neurologically if they live through the heart attacks and other phsycial effects thats happening because their bodies can not take the stress. That is more than wrong. Its immoral. And to deny their families their right to see their son, brother, or cousin while they are in this condition--possibly dying in a hospital is completely unethical. Denying them the right to see them when the hospital itself begs because they know they need the contact--the familiarity, to simply pull through this...it honestly makes me hate whoever makes the decision. Hate them with all of my being. Its not just something that can be forgiven..even if he pulls out of it. Even if he is ok. But of course we can't know that yet.

I should probably go ahead and say that its not confirmed that they denied my brother's medicines. But look at the condition he is in, the fact that he was saying he wasn't getting them, and the fact that the doctor said that he thought thats what it was--he said he had to choose (based on Ben's condition) whether or not he was getting them...

My mom and cousin drove the 5 hours to Richmond yesterday to try to get in and see Ben. The guard wouldn't let them. How insanely cruel is that?

Some of my Favorite Pictures..

This is a flower in my mom's garden this summer...with my little brother standing in the flowers behind it. Great thing about this photo is that having Joe in it was completely accident.

This is my Papaw way back when...His military pictures are amazing.

This is, without a doubt, my favorite picture out of all of them.


My Grandma. Shes gorgeous. Enough said.

A Diluted Background

A little background you ask?

I grew up with two older brothers--Ben (9 years older than me) and Nathan (7 years older than me). I didn't realize until after my mom and dad had split up that my dad wasn't theirs. That was a defining moment for the 7 year old me until I realized that my not knowing had just given us a stronger connection. Both my dad and mom got remarried not long after--my dad to this completely insane woman--my mom to a man who never learned how to control his temper. Needless to say, the insane woman didn't last long and my dad wound up moving to Illinois near his parents. My mom's husband already had two boys from another marriage--BJ (3 years older) and Josh (one month older) brought my siblings count up to 4 brothers. Lucky me. 5 months after they got married they had our brother Joseph (10 years younger). My dad found and married his high school sweetheart, Linda, in Illinois--she had a son and daughter--Eric (7 years older) and Danielle (3 years older--to the day). 6 brothers and a sister. My dad and Linda had Andrew(12 years younger) and that brought the count up to 7.

7 brothers and a sister--it doesn't matter in the least that we haven't the same moms or dads. It doesn't matter in the least that some of us are not even blood related. Family is family.

In giving that little bit perhaps it can give some incite to why I am who I am. I grew up spoiled as the only girl. I was the absolute girly girl--refusing to wear anything but dresses until I was in elementary school; however, I was never afraid to get dirty and play in the mud. Being constantly teased and harrassed by older brothers probably can be attributed to that certain aspect of my nature.

Josh got me addicted to playing basketball in 4th grade and I played for the next few years. I went to the basketball training camp before my freshmen year in high school and I pushed myself through that (weight lifting and playing basketball with a sunburn was murder)--but one of my best friends had decided she wasn't going to play...so I followed her lead mainly because I was terrified I would be horrible. I always regretted that--but not enough to start playing again later.

I've learned to better deal with the thought of failure over the years or at least I know better than to quit just because you're afraid of failing. That just leaves you with questions you don't really want answered.

I'm not a girl who dates a lot of guys casually. Sure going out on dates with different people is great, but if I discover I don't like them--thats it. What is the point of going out on future dates? I've had a couple serious relationships (one lasting on and off for 4 years)..but most not so serious. I've had my share of heartbreaks and depression too.

I hated high school. My senior year was absolute hell--I hated every moment of it. While I've gone back in the school a few times, I still shutter walking through the doors. I worked my ass off to graduate first in my class and now that really doesn't matter so much--but it did get me some money so that I could go to King. I was almost nervous picking a christian private college. But these were the people I wanted to be around. My high school was small and I didn't want to jump into a huge college and lose focus completely. King seemed perfect. And it still is. I've made some amazing friends.

And thats a very diluted background...But I have no doubt I'll wind up sharing more later.

Ben has caught the flu on top of all his other stuff. His temperature is sky rocketing again and hes coughing and hacking like mad. The hospital let us fax him a picture of his dog (he loves his dog) up there for when he wakes up enough to understand. Hopefully that will calm him and keep him from panicking since we aren't allowed to be there.

Distraction

Perhaps this is my attempt to think of something other than my brother.

Perhaps I'm simply trying to vaguely justify my own stupidity, but what if you don't take that chance--whether its because you're scared or broken or both--and that chance would have been the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to you? That small fraction of a chance is far too inticing for me to not give in to it and thats whats hurt me before. I tend to fall for the perfection of the moment. The perfection in the isolated instances that you hear about or read about where someone risks it all and winds up with their own happily ever after. Which leaves me sitting here waiting on my happily ever after.

I'm not so unrealistic to believe that it will just happen on its own...but I do believe in fate and miracles. I believe in the good things in life.

I was attempting to classify myself earlier today...and quickly discovered that I can't. Its far to contradictory. I can't simplify my thoughts and feelings into a few words..even if that makes it easier to understand.

I Won't Accept That

The hospital thinks that my brother has meningitis but the spinal tap came back inconclusive so I'm assuming that they will have to do other kinds of tests to figure it out. His CT scan shows some kind of shadows on the brain that look suspiciously like his brain is bleeding--but they haven't confirmed that yet. He is highly sedated and still on the ventilator. They finally got an IV in..but since they couldn't do it the normal way they had to do somekind of central line...and I'm not really sure how that works. And they've got a feeding tube in finally (considering he hasn't eaten since the 3rd). They have his temperature stablized to 99.something so thats at least something to be thankful for. The hospital working to do an MRI but have had trouble since he was shot with a shotgun a few years ago and I guess has bits of metal in his body. His blood tests should be back by tomorrow. At least hes stable..even if hes not in good shape. At least hes finally getting treatment. And at least we finally have people telling us whats going on. Its hard to think of anything else.

We've found out that there is another case going on that is almost identical to this. Its just not right. Not right at all. Sure life isn't supposed to be fair...but it is not supposed to be this. I won't accept that.

My Desperate Plea for Prayers

I just got told less than an hour ago that my brother got transfered to a hospital in Richmond. He was going through some major withdrawls and started having seizures. Since then hes had a heart attack and they've got him on a ventilator because of the seizures. He also has some kind of infection in his body. Just please pray for him. Pray for my family--my mom and my grandparents especially. We don't know anything else about his condition. We don't know how he is mentally at the moment. We're just clutching onto nothing for now.

I've been sitting here just staring at my computer since I got off the phone. And theres just nothing I can do.

The First

I've never been very good with words and writing down my thoughts and I have always had an intense nack for making myself sound like a whining, spoiled brat whenever I've taken the time to try. So beware.

I have no idea as to why I'm starting this other than the fact that it makes me feel better when I write things out and think things through.

I'm trying to learn more about myself and get my thoughts straight before they crush me into oblivion. I know better than to attempt to actively seek who I am; therefore, I'm sitting back, being myself, and waiting for an epiphany to come my way.

Its valentine's day. I'm just pushing myself to breathe..to get through it.

There are a number of stressful things going on in my life right now. I feel like its coming in every way possible--from my family, school, friends. I am so extremely blessed to have the friends that I have and the family that I have.

If anybody does happen to read this please pray for my family. Pray for my brother. Please.