Old thoughts vs. new

It is quite difficult for me to understand where I've been the last few years. Maybe that is just a product of high school or maybe it's the fact that I've suppressed most of who I am. I've set aside what makes me happy to please others for too long now. I don't like wishing away my life—wanting more or waiting for things to change. I like where I am now and even more remarkably, I've discovered that I like who I am now. Miraculously enough, I did nothing but what made me happy to become so enthralled with my state of mind. Once your mind is open to possibilities—even ones you cannot see—then amazing things can happen. Sometimes people are shooting stars that brighten up your life and then leave and sometimes they are simply the sun and you might not always see them but they are always present. I might have no idea what I am truly trying to say with this, but I am happy. Lately, for the first time in a long time, I am excited about the days to come. I certainly do not have it all figured out. My learning is fragmented and littered with holes, but I have the rest of my life to figure it out. I have all the tomorrows and the understanding enough to take each day as it comes and to realize that the beauty and love I experience are worth everything. Life is unexpected and perhaps that is what makes it so exceptionally gorgeous.

I wrote the previous words on myspace on December 1st 2007. Of course things have changed dramatically since then, but I still tend to lean to the themes I displayed in this entry. My life was not carefree then and now it is even more constricted. I am somewhat bitter and hateful in many ways as of late, but the fact that I acknowledge this puts me in a different category from most.

They are releasing my brother from the hospital tomorrow. They intend to put him in a nursing home in the Richmond area. A nursing home we were told by a very credible source is not a good place for him to be. We are desperately in search of a home closer to home; however the search is not going wonderfully. The kinds of homes that are equipped to handle his condition are few and far between--which makes it even harder to find the right one.

Meanwhile, my grandpa is still in the hospital down the road trying to get better. He still has fluid in his lungs and its hard to record his true oxygen saturation level because of his irregular heartbeat. They still have the oxygen mask on him rather than the usual thing in his nose; therefore, he isn't very comfortable at all. But at least he isn't in a hurry to get out of there--he wants to feel completely better before he is sent home, especially since last time he went in he went home too soon and wound up back in the hospital even sicker within 24 hours.

I'm supposed to be going to Dollywood (a small amusment park about 2 hours away) tomorrow. We had a group of 7 going but so far 3 have backed out. We're still planning on having fun though. Their loss.

I wonder just how ridiculous a guy feels talking to a girl after she basically shot him down by going home when he asked her to stay. He shouldn't feel any different in my point of view, unless of course sex is all he wanted--which happens more than it should. But considering I don't know how he feels to begin with now, there is no point in talking about it.

Continuing an earlier post...

I am a girl who...

• loves puzzles
• is a walking contradiction
• cries during love stories
• needs an escape

Books

I finished A Tale of Two Cities today. I woke up this morning at 10 and was halfway through it. But I finally reached the point where everything came together and didn't put it down until 3 when I finally reached the end.

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known."

I was completely caught into the story of course. Who wouldn't be? This man--who drank too much and didn't do much of anything with his life--was forfeiting his own life to save the man that was married to the woman he loved. He seriously switched places with the man--getting his head chopped off. Which is of course what that part of the book means. This woman had two men who loved her so completely.

I'm now reading Pride and Prejudice. It won't last long since I'm in love with the movie.

I am a girl who...

I am a girl who...

• holds grudges
• sees no point in lying
• sees no point in telling it all either
• loves cheesecake
• is addicted to laughing
• can not live without her friends
• doesn't object to sitting alone in a crowd
• tends to stare
• drives too fast when shes alone
• has had her heart broken in more ways than one
• tries to stick by her morals..even if that doesn't always work
• is a christian
• can't wait to have kids (one day..not soon)
• lives for the beauty in life
• dwells in her own mind too much
• doesn't always talk about what she needs to
• tends to hold everything in until she breaks
• can't stand to be home while her moms out of town
• doesn't always think before she speaks
• sometimes thinks too much before she speaks
• accidentally lets the moment pass her by...only realizing it later
• wanted to be spontaneous but decided to be responsible instead
• hates when people she cares about or likes are mad at her
• doesn't care about the opinions of some
• cares too much about the opinions of people she doesn't like
• tries to do the right thing
• can rarely see right and wrong as black and white--theres too much grey
• loves to sit outside in the sunshine and read a book
• loves to read a book anywhere, anytime
• is a hopeless romantic
• becomes lightheaded from a good kiss
• takes naps
• doesn't always take advantage of the "I'm just a college student" excuse

Barefoot.

This morning I had some weird flashbacks of my wreck on the way to school. Which is weird because it wasn't even a flashback worthy wreck. No one was hurt..very low speeds..It simply made me mad. So yes.

I stabbed myself in the foot with a stick today too. I stepped on it with my right foot and it raised it up enough so that when I stepped with my left foot (because that is usually how you walk..) I was stabbed.

I stepped on a rock on the way to school. Yes there was a rock in my car. Yes I was driving barefoot. Yes I don't care. I dislike gravel driveways.

Once again I was watching the today show this morning and they had the two familys who's daughters got mixed up in the car wreck--one died, one didn't. Horrible switch up. For all those people who can't believe that the parents who were told their daughter was still alive didn't recognize that she wasn't their daughter--you're stupid. Really. The girl had just been in a horrible wreck--the hospital said "this is your daughter...shes been through trama...she won't look the same." Why would you question it? Really. And to those who can't believe that the real parents of the girl that was still alive did not look at the body of the girl they thought was their daughter--you're stupid too. They were given her possessions. She was ran over by a semi. They couldn't look at the body. Why would they question that? No one was questioning things..at least not until the girl started getting better. Those questions shouldn't have to be asked. This time it would have been nice, but 99% of the time these questions could comsume you.

Fortune Cookies

3 months ago today, my brother was moving to Arkansas. 3 months ago today, we had lunch at an amazing japanese restaurant. 3 months ago today, my cousin and I cracked open our fortune cookies to get the same fortune. 3 months ago today, our fortune said we would have good luck 3 months from then.

So. Where is it?

1:15pm came and went..with no good luck.

The day is almost over..with no good luck.

At 2:03 I sat down in my car after class--calling a friend to hang out with--and I looked up. And there was Tehan. It was hard enough to imagine him being here next semester--but to have him there NOW? My friend Omar did come to hang out with me. Omar plays soccer and soon our conversation led to our ex's (his showing up on his doorstep out of nowhere last night)..and of course mine being on campus walking with some coach. Which of course led to the fact that Tehan plays soccer. Which led to the fact that Omar's coach told them there would be a guy from South Africa practicing with them today. Which of course is why Tehan was there. Tehan the South African soccer player. Tehan the guy who broke me into pieces. Tehan the guy who used me. Him practicing with the soccer team just affirms that he really is going to transfer. I hate it. Think Omar will wind up hating me since Tehan talks about people behind their backs? I really hope not. I'd like to think I'm not going to lose friends because of this. But of course I don't know what Tehan is saying behind my back--if anything that is.

Just sitting and talking today felt good.

I went to visit my papaw today. The bruises on his arms from the IVs bleeding underneath his skin bothers me to no end. IVs in general bother me. Really. They make me sick to even think about them being there. Hospitals make me woosy.

And I guess thats enough for tonight. I'm working on A Tale of Two Cities. I'm past page 128 now. I now know what was going on when I played that game on here. But I'm still somewhat lacking in understanding the book--I keep hoping that I'll figure it out on the next page..but its just not connecting yet.

Life

"Life done properly is romanic"--some guy on TV. No idea what show was on.

I don't really feel like writing.

One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is when people try to tell me how I feel when I haven't asked opinions. Jumping to conclusions about me is no way to put me in a good mood.

Honestly survey

Honestly, how many people have you completely fallen for? Completely--One. I was in the process of it another time.

Honestly, what shirt are you wearing now? what color? A white long sleeve shirt

Honestly, what's on your mind? Family, School, Friends--new and old, Going to dollywood monday

Honestly, what are you doing right now? Laying in the floor doing nothing

Honestly, have you done something bad today? No. I told my little brother to not speak to me again until our mom got home after I got him off the bus because he was being rude.

Honestly, did you watch "Shot of Love" with Tila Tequilla? Honestly, I don't have the channel

Honestly, what/who makes you happy most of the time? Being around my friends.

Honestly, when was the last time you did something illegal? I was speeding today.

Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute? Yes. I want to be out doing something with any of my good friends

Honestly, do you have deep secrets? No not really. At least two people know any of my secrets

Honestly, who did you last talk to on the phone? A telemarketer

Honestly, who did you last text ? I can't text, but sometimes I'll get on verizon's site and text Celia from that

Honestly, are you an honest person? I don't see a point in lying. It just messes things up

Honestly, where do you see yourself in 10 years? Hopefully doing something that I'm happy with

Honestly, do you like someone? Yes. Liking isn't hard. Liking can be done from a distance

Honestly, who was the last text you got from? Omar

Honestly, what are you sick of? My little brother is pissing me off today with his little attitude

Honestly, what do you want right now? pizza hut stuffed crust pizza. pepperoni, extra cheese, light on the sause

Honestly, would you use family connections to get a job? Of course

Honestly, are you desperate? No

Honestly, have you ever made anyone cry? Yes

Honestly, Macs or PCs? I don't care. I have a pc and I've heard tell that apple is catching up with macs

Honestly, have you ever stabbed a friend in the back? Yes. Who hasn't?

Honestly, have you ever been cheated on? Yes

Honestly, what is a trait on the opposite sex that you find most attractive? Just the body in general I guess. Face too.

Honestly, are you normally a happy person? Normally yes.

Honestly, who makes you mad? So many people

Honestly, what is your greatest fear? Heights, Being alone, Needles

Honestly, what would you do if you walked in on your bf/gf cheating? If I had a bf, I really hope that never happens

Honestly, would you rather save your family member or 1,000 strangers? Horrible question

Honestly, what religion do you find most annoying? Ones who don't believe in God

Honestly, when was the last time you said I love you? I told my mom earlier today

Honestly, are you a relationship person? Yes I think so

Honestly, if you can have one superpower what would it be? Reading minds.

Honestly, Who is the last person you hugged? Omar

Honestly, if you could go back 7 years and change something what would it be? I'd be more understanding of my brother.

I think I'm bitter.

Bowling? You could probably kick my ass...

So, my internet has been dead the last few days. I felt seriously cut off from the world. I don't usually talk on the phone so of course I didn't feel right calling the people I don't normally talk to on the phone. Left me kind of lost. I spent days in front of the TV watching Gilmore Girls season 4 (rather than my 7 page essay--rough draft due tomorrow--I have less than 1 page).

Easter--besides it being the great Christian day of the year--Ressurection of Jesus and all...It was dull. We didn't do anything with the family. I went with my friend and her husband to her family thing. Tyler got his BIG truck stuck for a while. Thought we were going to have to get Alicia's uncle to pull it out. Embarrassment of the day for Tyler; however, in his defense he saved us without any help from the dodge.

This morning, while getting ready for school (freezing cold I might add) I turned on the today show as usual. I should probably add that I really don't like the Today show; however, my choices are limited and at least I get the weather. Today they had a story about a 21 year old who was declared brain dead and getting ready to have his organs harvested and he virtually 'came back to life.' Someone in his family ran a pocket knife (yea I know..a pocket knife) up his foot and he jerked it away. So he proceeded to push his fingernail up under the guys nail (which hurts like hell) and the guy jerked his arm away. Point is, brain dead people do not do intentional things. It honestly proves that miracles do exist, but I still wound up sitting in the floor crying my eyes out because I don't see a miracle of that sort happening for us. I wish and pray that it will happen, but I'm rapidly losing hope. And I hated myself while listening to the little sister talk about how thankful she was that he wasn't gone to them and hating her because it wasn't me. I want to be able to say that I witnessed a miracle and that my brother was ok. I would give anything to give Ben this option. This boy has trouble with his memory, but its coming back to him. Hes not going to be 100% ever again, but hes very close. So why can't Ben have that? Why can't we have that? Suffering makes us stronger, but what about him? What does this make him? Is he still him? Does he understand when we talk to him? Am I stronger for the pain or simply bitter? Right now I feel bitter. Every day, simply going outside and knowing that RIGHT ACROSS THE ROAD is the jail that did this to him. The people who COULD have prevented this are RIGHT THERE.

Heres the story about the boy...It really is a miracle

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23768436/page/2/

My papaw is still in the hospital. Hes sleeping a lot, which is good since he wasn't able to sleep much the last few weeks because he was in so much distress.

We had a holocaust survivor talk in convocation today. It really bothered me to think of a boy my little brothers age going through what this man went through. Of course I think the guy was older than him when it happened, but not by much. The woman who talked beforehand pointed out just how many people do not believe the Holocaust ever happened, and that we are the virtually the LAST generation that will be able to hear the account of a Holocaust survivor in person. So in that respect, "We are all witnesses." And thats true. We are. I went to the Holocaust museum in D.C. when the freshmen at king went to D.C. It was heartbreaking. I think the thing that really got me were the videos and the room just filled with shoes. Shoes of all those people. There were just so many. It was amazing. Not a good amazing. Just amazing.

This is from Hooters on wednesday night (all you can eat wings night)...This is Brad..being Brad. He seriously does this too. No joke. Now..my camera died just before he finished..but he uses the second napkin to wipe his mouth and then finish up on his hands (and yes..he usually keeps the napkins on his leg while eating...just so they're ready). And to all you people who think "Hooters is evil and vile" you've obviously never eaten there. It has seriously delicious food and most of the time the waitresses are lacking somewhat in those areas they're supposively hired for. Actually this wednesday, our waitress was pregnant. It was def. interesting. I miss going weekly. But mostly I miss Josh being here. He left and all the Hooters nights were over.

A sad attempt

These are from Monday.

I've been sorely slacking on my writing. I posted in my very first blog that I usually end up whining. And I hate that fact. If I had been writing, I would have been whining.

The entire top of Ben's brain is damaged and its unlikely he'll ever wake up more than he has. Around his trach is getting infected. They're trying to get splints on him so that he won't rub his legs raw anymore.

My papaw is in the hospital with pneumonia again. Hes all twitchy from some steriods they gave him.

I bought Atonement (the movie) tuesday. It was supposed to be the most amazing love story and such. In reality it was horrible. The movie itself was great. The ending...was the worst. How exactly can you build up that much between two people and then take it all back? They had the most amazing story--and they were still together. But no. That was just the story the little girl made up. No. In real life (the life the little girl ruined), they both died. They died. That is no ending to a story like that.

What now?

I'm having another weak time in my strong front. I haven't talked about it on here really, but right after (2 days to be exact) things got bad with my brother, my 'boyfriend' decided we just weren't working. And I really hadn't talked to him since. Twice online. Once on the phone. That was it. But its just so weird having my brother here..and not having Tehan around. I'm sure he will be around considering they're 'good mates'--Tehan is south african. So obviously, thinking about going out and hanging out with josh and wondering if he wants Tehan there or not--or if he'd planned for Tehan to be there. That really bothers me. And today I guess it just got the best of me. And I went against all the walls I built up to support myself and called him. Why? Mainly because I was stupid. He said that since I'm obviously having such a hard time that I was obviously too unstable and needed help now. That our relationship was nothing but sexual attraction and a few similarities..with absolutely nothing to build a 'real' relationship on. Said that I should move on, then added the very famous "like me." And of course then when it really shouldn't be able to get worse, he told me hes transfering to King next semester and that he would see me around.

Its all crashing down now. I mean I never really had the chance to really cry over us breaking up. The rest of my world crashed down around me more quickly than I could ever imagine. The fact that my brother almost died and is now suffering brain injury was shoved into first place--and is still in first place. Just everything else is catching up. How can I come up with the strength to fight it all at once? I was controlling it when I didn't have to think about Tehan--barely, but I was fighting it. What now? What do you do when you can't control the tears anymore--but you've been completely cried out for weeks?

A lot about nothing?

So last night....
I got a shower...
put on some comfortable clothes to sleep in...
got in bed...
and the front door opened and my dog went crazy....
and in walked my brother that had moved to Arkansas the day after christmas. :)

Ok..so maybe I knew he was coming..I'd even been told he was coming in that night...but in all reality..hes not the most reliable when it comes to timing. I mean sometimes weeks off... Yea. I wasn't really expecting him until tomorrow so it was pretty exciting. His friends were going to go see a midnight movie..and the second I told him he called one of them--thinking the movie hadn't started yet--and it turns out the movie wasn't starting at all...and we were invited to IHOP...

This is at midnight people...and honestly I'm not a morning person..and had a 9am class this morning...but I did it anyway:)

I'm going to go wake Josh up in a while and try to convince him that he absolutely NEEDS some chinese food...mainly because I've been craving it and having had the opportunity to eat it since the day I skipped my math class last semester to go eat lunch with him... Easiest math class in the world (considering I've already been through calculus and they stuck me in CONCEPTS)...but as a lucky twist of fate...(Yes I'm being sarcastic by saying lucky)...the ONE thing I'd NEVER seen in that math class was what we went over the ONE day I skipped. Lucky right? I failed like 3 quizes because I was absolutely lost.

Its race weekend. Traffic from hell...Tons of drunk people. Lovely right? Oh yea. I think I'm sticking around here (no more than 15 minutes from home..unless its in the opposite direction from the track) for the next few days. Sounds oh so exciting.

More pictures from the cold day out with my friends last sunday? Yes of course...

So this one...the hat is crooked..but this was before the helmet and I was still worried about messing up my hair while being stupid...who wants that? I have a very round face apparently.

haha..so this would be after I quit caring about messing up my hair...comeon..it was pink...can you blame me?

This one is basically the same picture as before..but from another angle....and another camera...I like it better...

Another day...

So my mom apparently poured a lot of dog food in Napoleons bowl before she left this morning...and just look at how he decided to eat it...Notice all the food he pushed into the floor behind his dish...and all the bits he picked through laying everywhere else.... He wound up eating so much that he got sick. Hes a smart one. Right. And yes I did wind up taking his bowl away.

So today wasn't an amazing day. I got up and had to get Joe up, ready for school, and to school during the time I actually need to be getting ready and going to school..That was fun (of course Napoleon was throwing up all the food he didn't need at the same time).

I didn't have the quiz in fitness that I was worried about and was excited until I found out that I had a quiz in Western Civ. 2 that I didn't know about (With some english to still do before that class). I read my western civ while on some exercise machine then quit and went to where the coach sits with all the people he doesn't make do anything because they play sports and finished my english up. Chatted with him some. He is a pretty cool guy. Very easy going. And then this guy in my class from Jamaica asked my name and introduced himself to me for the second time in the last few weeks. I obviously didn't make much of an impression on him the first time. He didn't even realize that he'd had the exact same conversation with me not so long ago.

I did go run my mile today since I didn't do anything rough in fitness---thats not exciting any more.

I also went outside and layed down in the sun and went to sleep for about 2 hours. That was amazing. I loved it. I had some really weird dream though. I really didn't like that part. Then I woke up with Ginger the lab and Napoleon laying on either side of me...

Today.

Today...

• I got ran off the road by a tractor trailer. Not just any road...the interstate...Completely scary. I was shaking the entire way home...now that I think about I probably should have just pulled over and sat there until I calmed down...but I really wasn't thinking straight.



• I bought a water hose. When I opened it, the INSIDE of the packaging said that the hose was made out of a material proven in California to cause cancer and that you should wash your hands after handling it and not drink out of it. I wouldn't have to go buy my own stupid water hose if Bill wouldn't have taken the THREE that were here over to his house and left them there. My moms asked him to bring one back here every day for the last few days...and hes gone to his house...uhhh EVERYDAY that shes asked and never brought one home.



• I drank some coffee this morning for the first time in a few weeks and couldn't sit still in chapel...We had a band from a local high school come and play. It was pretty cool...there was a fiddle, one of those BIG bass, two guitars, an accordian..and several of them sang + their instruments.



• I washed my car with my cancer causing water hose. Everytime I got sick of trying to scrub the mud and salt off I thought about how happy I was about the fact that the car isn't crushed under some semi's tire on the interstate.


(So what if theres a dog leash hanging on my neck...That was right before Napoleon and I left to get Joseph)



• I took my dog with me to get Joe today. He tried to jump out the window at the elementary school--apparently sitting in a car a few minutes is entirely too dull for him.



• I ran a mile...on a treadmill..so it wasn't much fun...but I did it.



• I drove the distance from this old house (that I want some pictures of) to my house...a mile and a half or so...I'll run that eventually if I dare to run on the roads around my house. I'm going to put that off a little bit more..Until I know I won't DIE on the way back.



• I've been procrastinating doing homework...I have quite a bit.....sadly.



• I downloaded some music. Good music of course.



• I'm still thinking about that stupid chicken statue that was at the hospital.

I'm begging you to be my escape..

So this week has been full of a wide array of emotions. We were told a few days ago that my brother was never going to get any better from the condition we've been seeing him in. They said that they could not find the right mix of medications to help with the 'aggitation' (which is what they are calling the kicking, clenched fists, and raising his arms up and down) without keeping him sedated. That truly was heartbreaking news. My moms planning a trip up there late tonight..and going to stay until friday or possibly through the weekend. She called the social worker at the hospital so that she could reserve her a room at the hospitality house and the social worker told her that she didn't want to get her hopes but, but Ben responded to a command the nurse gave him yesterday. We don't know what of course. My mom was so excited that she didn't even think to ask what he did for her. But in my eyes that means that he is somewhere in there...maybe not the same him...but some part of him is comprehending something.

This morning in Old Testament the teacher spent the last 10 minutes of class talking about how people need to kind of dwell in their grief a while to get over it. That to truly help someone in their time of need and grief you should dwell in it as well, not try to comfort them by 'lightening' the subject of the circumstance. During a death we say 'well they're in a better place now.' Of course it might be true. Of course thats a great way to look at death. But in our hearts we are grieving. We are broken. There is a hole in our chest that can not be filled. Those comments are appropriate eventually....time is a crucial aspect of it though. Time can somewhat patch up that hole and allow you to move on in your life in some aspects. Time is needed to help us gather up our thoughts and sift through all our emotions...all the pain...all the anger...everything.

"Be happy for this moment...This moment is your life."

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away."

The American Dream

To better convey some of my feelings from my earlier blog, you should probably understand that in my 11th grade ap english we talked every day about "The American Dream." I mean it when I say every day. No matter what the topic started out as...we wound up talking about that or universal health care.

So what is the American Dream? A big house? Success? Wealth? A family? A career? Every single american has a different outlook on life; therefore, it makes sense that every single dream would be different. So imagine your dream...and then imagine reaching that dream. Imagine reaching that goal that you've set yourself for most of your life. Are you happy? Sure, for a while. Our striving personalities push us to want more. We set new goals--new dreams.

So does that mean that the American Dream is never reached? I think so. I think our American Dreams are so complex and everchanging that that final goal--that American Dream is never reached. So that points to the thought that maybe the American Dream is a feeling more than an actual dream. That feeling when you feel 'ok' with everything. When everything is right in the world. Which makes the definition change once again.

It can be a glorious ride.

Changing Subjects..School today was somewhat rough. The guy talking in convo was amazing..but I had far too much trouble following his accent. But yea...it was just long. I ran a mile. Go me. And I watched Celia utterly destory a mango at lunch.

Apparently a bunch of people take their dogs to the bank? I took my dog along for the car ride since he was dying to go and I realized I needed to go to the bank..so I went...with the dog. And they apparently give out dog treats at the drive through....like they give kids suckers. I was shocked. My little chair got flipped last night...and my napoleon decided it was a great bed.

Bubble Gum Life

When I was browsing photobucket looking at these lovely quotes I found one that I throughly disagree with. "You don't need to know everything in life, just the things you need to be happy." I would love to know what kind of bubble gum life the author of that quote lives. Of course we all want to be happy. Of course we tend to do things just to make us happy. But really. If we knew NOTHING else - no sorrow, no pain, no hard feelings - How could we truly understand the meaning of happiness? Life isn't all smiles and glitter--as much as some people wish it was. And those who believe that are going to be in for a rude awakening. Accepting life the way it is--as damaged as it is--is a key component in happiness...In my opinion at least. This quote says to me "don't challenge yourself--its not worth it." Would you really want to live a life where you had EVERYTHING you're heart desired without any means of earning it? Would that paper you aced mean anything if you didn't push yourself to research it--or simply even finish it. Would the money you make and the things you spend it on mean as much to you if you didn't have to work for it? I would think that the kind of happy bubble gum life would be so dull you'd rather shoot yourself than live through it.

But I don't know. Thats simply my opinion.

On the brighter side of today. The guy who did the tutorial for my western civ 2 exam came up to me a few minutes ago and asked what my name was and how I did on the exam--I got a 97--oh yes. He said that was the second highest in the class. Yes I'm bragging a little. I think I'm entitled today.

Yet another thing thats been on my mind the last few days is the question, "Do I use my friends?" And the answer is most simply, yes. No, I don't mean that in the way it sounds. I value my friendships more than I can imagine anyone valuing mine. They mean more to me than the world. They are just as much family as my actual family. When I think of a friend, I think of a person that you can trust to be there for you when you need them--a shoulder to cry on or a morale booster;therefore, in those ways, I use my friends. And I would gladly be there for them if the situation was reversed. Friends are there to use each other--for support, for love, for fun, forever.

I hate being cold...

Today is my last day of spring break..and I'm pretty sad about it. I went to my grandparents and ate lunch (lots of delicious food). Then I went out with Alicia, Tyler, Amanda, and Casey...we went to the dollar store..and walmart...ha. Then rode around a lot.....which is really pretty much all there is to do. We stopped at the park way up on the hill and took some pictures..but it was far too cold...can you see our teeth chattering? I can feel it just looking at the pics...

Game

I got tagged for a game. I've always loved games.

Pick up the nearest book of 123 pages or more (no cheating).
Find page 123.
Find the first 5 sentences.
Post the next three sentences.
Tag 5 people.

I'm going to cheat and not tag 5 people..mainly because I don't feel like it. So the closest book to me is "A Tale of Two Cities." I actually never got around to reading more than the first 50 pages or so...So its been sitting beside my bed for a few months just waiting to be picked back up again. Its probably feeling completely rejected because I honestly don't start a book without finishing it...like ever. BUT anyways...heres the part.....

"A struggle was evidently in his face; a struggle with that occasional look which had a tendency in it to dark doubt and dread. 'You speak so feelingly and so manfully, Charles Darnay, that I thank you with all my heart, and will open all my heart - or nearly so. Have you any reason to believe that Lucie loves you?'"

I have absolutly no idea what thats about and it depresses me. Eventually I'll finish the book. Eventually.

Quotes

Alright, so maybe I got carried away when looking for one I really liked for today. But know this, I don't necessarily believe in these 100%. Some of them had good concepts, but they don't describe my feelings at the moment, maybe they used to, or maybe they will in the future. I can't promise that. So if you take the time to read them. Have fun guessing.

Ow.

I'd thought up so much to write about (even a few of the exact phrases to use)...I clicked "new blog"...and then my mind went blank. I really mean that. I just forgot what I was doing. I've been sitting here for at least two minutes with my fingers over the keyboard...thinking of nothing.

Yesterday Nathan (my second oldest brother) came up to the hospital with his friend John. Took them forever to find the right hospital since theres only a million there. But luckily I intercepted them on the elevator (no joke...it opened up when I was on my way up to Ben's floor and there they were standing there about two floors down from where they needed to be).

This morning me and my mom got up early and went to the hospital and about two hours later she sent me back to wake the boys up and have them carry our stuff to the car (a couple blocks away) while I checked out. When we got back we walked into ICU and the nurse didnt want us all in there at once so Nathan and John went to sit in the waiting room and I went in the room and momma told me that while I was gone Ben had woken up and just started sobbing when he saw her. Its sad...very sad...but heartwarming at the same time. So I was in there long enough to say hi..and see him focus in on me...before I ran to get Nathan..knowing that Nathan needed to see him alert in some form or fashion. He was in there for an hour maybe before they came out.

While I was sitting in the waiting room there was an older woman with a few friends sitting in there with me..and a young girl (my age or younger) came in (obviously just leaving the room of whoever they were there for) and her eyes were red and swollen...the tears just wouldn't seem to stop. I'm curious in general. I have a horrible tendency to listen in when people talk. So eventually I caught an idea of what was going on (mainly from the two older women that were friends of the family talking to a woman from the support group in the hospital while the family was downstairs and then from when the woman came back upstairs and the support woman continued to.....well...support). This older woman's ONLY son is a senior in high school. He plays rugby. Hes planning to go to school for finances (he was thinking that over). Hes planning his graduation with a countdown (like we all did). And now hes most likely brain dead. The support woman was talking about whether or not she wanted to be there when he was declared brain dead, or when his heart stopped. She went on to describe the tests they were going to use to declare him brain dead. She used the anaology of holding your breath underwater....you go underwater and you wait and you wait and you wait..and eventually you have to push up and take a big breath--well apparently this test of taking him off the ventilator will push and push and push his brain to take that big breath..to save his own life. And if it doesn't...well then they know. His rugby team was there. I saw them walking around most of the day...with their little jackets with the team name.

Life obviously isn't fair.

After lunch when I went back in the room he woke up some more later and he started to cry again..not quite as hard I would imagine..hardly any tears...but it was like something was caught in his throat...which is scary with the trach in. He can't cough right with it in either...sometimes it seems like hes choking from the secretions coming out. Its scary. His ventilator tube came off of the trach today. I was terrified. Alarms were going off like crazy..and it still took his nurse at least 3 minutes to get in there.

My moms trying to be super mom of course. She wants to be the one to do everything. She wants to change his trach tubing. She wants to pull him up in the bed (with my help--when I'm a weakling and terrified to touch anything or move anything). She wants to exercise his arms and legs. She wants to brush his teeth. It terrifies me to watch...because in my mind. What if something goes wrong? What if its not done right and it takes the nurses 3 minutes to get in there? Ugh.

We got to talk to the neurologist working with Ben yesterday. He walked in and immediately gave off the "I'm much better and much smarter than you" vibe. His first sentence was about how he was there because medical (with a nasty edge to it) had nagged him to come talk to us. Well no freaking duh they did. They can't answer all of our questions...he should be able to. He gave off the air that he was talking down to us. Repeated things far too many times. He said that Ben's prognosis would probably be poor..because most with anoxic brain injury were. BUT he can not be certain because Ben is so young and because he is moving a lot. Apparently those things work in his favor. The medical doctor (hes young, understands what we're talking about, doesn't talk down to us, and nagged neurology to come down to see us for days--point is..I like him much more than the other) he told us that there is one big blood clot in both lungs (a lot of little ones too..but hes not worried about those). He also tried to get a representative from some group to come see us and talk about whats next and liability. The rep never showed up before we left but still.

We're on the road now (yes I'm blogging from the front seat of my mom's jeep cherokee). Its raining. Its foggy. Its getting dark. And I have a cramp in my left hand.

I can't think of a fitting title.

I can't even begin to describe how hard it is to see my big, tattooed, over-enthusiastic brother laying in a hospital bed.

On Christmas, Ben is always the last done opening his presents. Why? Because he gets SO excited about every single one...He all but screams about every gift for all to hear (and repeats himself when he doesn't think we ALL heard him the first time). Then of course he opens the packaging its in, looks over it the best he can..while asking where it was bought, how much it costs, and telling us just how he plans on using it...usually several times. In 2006, he got a mop/broom thing (among other things of course). But for some reason he spent almost two hours on how that broom was JUST what he wanted. It was the best thing in the world. After explaining every aspect of it to us (usually with me and Josh hiding our giggles), he called our grandparents, just to do it again.

Point of the story, he was loud, exuberant, and had the excitement level of a 4 year old.
Obviously, he wasn't that all the time, he had his temper--which he lost often. But that never canceled out the rest.

Sleep!!!

So here I am...a small town girl...in Richmond at night..and I'm terrified. Sure I've stayed in New York, Toronto, Orlando...but in all reality those trips were with at least 60 other people. Love high school band right? Ha.
And of course that is the first time I've mentioned on here that I was in the band. Dorky right? Yes of course. I played the flute and piccolo (yes I've heard all the one time at band camp jokes). I was the only piccolo..and I hated that. Every time I hear a piccolo to this day..I cringe. I remember flat out refusing to play it during concert season my senior year because it gets cut from EVERYTHING. So I would wind up sitting there feeling retarded while the rest of the section played on their lovely flutes. But my band director convinced me he absolutly needed that piccolo...that it would make ALL the difference in the world... (and then I got cut from a million parts)...
We always did have fun in band..even when we were miserable...things worked out.
I had a lot to say..But I'm too tired. Car rides seriously kill me. Tomorrow...I'll need to explain more about the car ride.ha.

Ramblings....

I have trouble holding conversations with people. I'm good the first few conversations..and I'm fine if people lead the conversations, but I just can't lead them after a while. I've been thinking about that for a while now--trying to figure out why. The more I think about it, the more I realize that its from all those years revolved around my ex boyfriend. In all honesty he didn't listen when I talked..eventually I just quit. Its stupid. People shouldn't let others affect them like that.

I'm going back to Richmond either tomorrow or the next day with my mom. We're going to stay the night this time.

On the way back on Saturday I went in a gas station and the girl behind the counter told me that I looked like Julia Stiles. I said thanks. Julia Stiles is amazing by the way. I dislike her voice, but thats not what this girl commented on..so of course I'm taking it as a compliment...even though I don't see the resemblance.

I'm one of those annoying people who stare at the person driving the car that I'm passing...or thats passing me for that matter. I don't know why I do..its habit. When the person catches me staring I always look away...like its wrong? Who knows. I like watching people.

A Few Pictures

My dog napoleon. Hes amazing. Don't ask about my hair...thats what happens when its been up in a pony tail and I've taken a nap....with no make up on..ouch

The view from an overlook on the way to Richmond Saturday.

These last two are from a house off of mainstreet... the ENTIRE yard was full of purple petals. It absolutly was astounding...So I turned around and took some pictures.

Reminiscing

So this is a memory I have of being 4 years old...of course its going to sound disjointed and possibly completely trifling, but this memory, of course, is from a 4 year olds point of view.

When I was little, my two older brothers had a tree house of some sort. It was their fort, their home away from home, the place for Ben to go sneak cigarettes. When I was four, Ben "allowed" me to come up and clean up the inside for him. Not that the place was really messy in general--it was just a little room of course and I'm sure Ben wanted some company or entertainment (even if it came in the form of his spoiled, 4 year old sister). I was always terrified when it came to climbing down..ladders in general just never seemed rational to me. I remember that Ben would always go first and wait at the bottom to watch my ridiculously slow descent out of the treehouse. This day was no different of course. He climbed down and waited for me. I remember getting out on the ladder, but when it came to climbing down you needed to hold onto to the ladder near the top...which meant that there was about an inch of space to slide your fingers in between the tree house and the ladder. Small dark crevices have never set well with me--spiders tend to lurk in these fissures and I have a strong strong disliking when it comes to spiders. So on this particular day, I was at a loss as to where I should hold on as I climbed down and finally decided to brave my fingers to the crevices in the floor boards at the very top of the ladder...It didn't work and of course I fell. Hit the ground with a sicking thud. I remember Ben panicking but still managing to pick me up and carry me inside and laying me on the couch so my mom could look at me. Once she decided that my wrist had to be broken (whether she was tipped off by in my insufferable wailing or the odd angle my wrist had decided to form...I don't know), she called the hospital, picked me up and carried me to the car. I sat on Ben's lap and he held me on the way to the emergency room. That is actually the most memorable recollection I have from that day--Sitting on his lap on the way to the emergency room. And later waking up (a very long while after I was supposed to wake up..apparently I don't react well to being put to sleep) and having both Ben and Nathan present me with a bouncy ball they'd found somewhere.

Ben's oxygen saturation levels kept decreasing yesterday and because they were at a loss of words as to why, they did the CT scan on his chest that they were supposed to do the other day on him. Results? Hes got a lot of blood clots on both of his lungs. A lot. They're giving him blood thinners at the moment. And today they are putting him back on the ventilator and under sedation. They say they don't know why hes got the blood clots--usually only perfectly still patients suffer from them, and of course hes not perfectly still.

I'm majoring in psychology simply because I've alway wanted to better understand people. To better understand my family. To be able to understand the mental aspects of Bipolar, Tourettes, ADHD, Borderline, and all the others Ben has suffered with his entire life. And now Nathan has been diagnosed with Borderline within the last year and a half or so. I'd shifted my goal in life to be able to help my family in the only ways I knew how. And now I'm not going to be able to help Ben. And he was the reason it all started.

It was a hard day.

We just got home a few minutes ago. We learned more about the brain injury. His fevers aren't caused by the pneumonia like we thought. They are actually because of the brain damage. They had him off of the ventilator today..just the trach collar but I think at night they hook him back up to the ventilator...weaning him off of it. We had to wear the gowns and gloves and such to go in the room. I blacked out within the first few minutes of being in there. I didn't actually pass out but it came quite close--I couldn't see or hear anything for a few minutes. but I managed to get my gloves off and for some reason that helped. It was hard to see him like that. It really was. He did open his eyes after we'd been there for about 3 hours. He honestly acted like he knew who we were and wanted to talk (moved his mouth around). Momma said my name and he looked at me. I don't think seeing that was wishful thinking. That was however the biggest response we got out of him. We talked to him and read him his letters, but mainly we just tried to keep him comfortable--cold wet rag on his forehead and cut his fingernails since he keeps clenching his hands and its starting to rub the skin. Tried to keep him from rubbing his feet together when he was kicking them. They're all blistered and raw where that keeps happening--they've got them bandaged and padded now but still. He opened his eyes a few more times but it wasn't quite like that first time. Thats about it I guess. We were there from 9 to 4..took 7 hours to get home instead of 5 because Bill somehow missed the huge merging of the interstates.

It was a hard day.

Out the Door...

So its around 4am and we're leaving for the hospital in the next little bit. Momma wants to get there around the time the doctors do the rounds. I'm nervous. I don't know how well I'm going to handle seeing him like this. It honestly does scare me to no end to think that he might not be himself. I wish we knew for sure by now.

Ben always picked on me...I mean I am his younger sister. But he would always say that since I was smart I was going to be earning millions one day and going to take care of him--give him the high life. My grandma called me last night. She made me promise to tell him that in a few years...when I'm making the millions that he'd better snap out of it. It made me cry.

Our God works in such mysterious ways and I know his reasonings aren't obvious all the time. What are his reasonings in this?