Old thoughts vs. new

It is quite difficult for me to understand where I've been the last few years. Maybe that is just a product of high school or maybe it's the fact that I've suppressed most of who I am. I've set aside what makes me happy to please others for too long now. I don't like wishing away my life—wanting more or waiting for things to change. I like where I am now and even more remarkably, I've discovered that I like who I am now. Miraculously enough, I did nothing but what made me happy to become so enthralled with my state of mind. Once your mind is open to possibilities—even ones you cannot see—then amazing things can happen. Sometimes people are shooting stars that brighten up your life and then leave and sometimes they are simply the sun and you might not always see them but they are always present. I might have no idea what I am truly trying to say with this, but I am happy. Lately, for the first time in a long time, I am excited about the days to come. I certainly do not have it all figured out. My learning is fragmented and littered with holes, but I have the rest of my life to figure it out. I have all the tomorrows and the understanding enough to take each day as it comes and to realize that the beauty and love I experience are worth everything. Life is unexpected and perhaps that is what makes it so exceptionally gorgeous.

I wrote the previous words on myspace on December 1st 2007. Of course things have changed dramatically since then, but I still tend to lean to the themes I displayed in this entry. My life was not carefree then and now it is even more constricted. I am somewhat bitter and hateful in many ways as of late, but the fact that I acknowledge this puts me in a different category from most.

They are releasing my brother from the hospital tomorrow. They intend to put him in a nursing home in the Richmond area. A nursing home we were told by a very credible source is not a good place for him to be. We are desperately in search of a home closer to home; however the search is not going wonderfully. The kinds of homes that are equipped to handle his condition are few and far between--which makes it even harder to find the right one.

Meanwhile, my grandpa is still in the hospital down the road trying to get better. He still has fluid in his lungs and its hard to record his true oxygen saturation level because of his irregular heartbeat. They still have the oxygen mask on him rather than the usual thing in his nose; therefore, he isn't very comfortable at all. But at least he isn't in a hurry to get out of there--he wants to feel completely better before he is sent home, especially since last time he went in he went home too soon and wound up back in the hospital even sicker within 24 hours.

I'm supposed to be going to Dollywood (a small amusment park about 2 hours away) tomorrow. We had a group of 7 going but so far 3 have backed out. We're still planning on having fun though. Their loss.

I wonder just how ridiculous a guy feels talking to a girl after she basically shot him down by going home when he asked her to stay. He shouldn't feel any different in my point of view, unless of course sex is all he wanted--which happens more than it should. But considering I don't know how he feels to begin with now, there is no point in talking about it.

Continuing an earlier post...

I am a girl who...

• loves puzzles
• is a walking contradiction
• cries during love stories
• needs an escape