Ow.

I'd thought up so much to write about (even a few of the exact phrases to use)...I clicked "new blog"...and then my mind went blank. I really mean that. I just forgot what I was doing. I've been sitting here for at least two minutes with my fingers over the keyboard...thinking of nothing.

Yesterday Nathan (my second oldest brother) came up to the hospital with his friend John. Took them forever to find the right hospital since theres only a million there. But luckily I intercepted them on the elevator (no joke...it opened up when I was on my way up to Ben's floor and there they were standing there about two floors down from where they needed to be).

This morning me and my mom got up early and went to the hospital and about two hours later she sent me back to wake the boys up and have them carry our stuff to the car (a couple blocks away) while I checked out. When we got back we walked into ICU and the nurse didnt want us all in there at once so Nathan and John went to sit in the waiting room and I went in the room and momma told me that while I was gone Ben had woken up and just started sobbing when he saw her. Its sad...very sad...but heartwarming at the same time. So I was in there long enough to say hi..and see him focus in on me...before I ran to get Nathan..knowing that Nathan needed to see him alert in some form or fashion. He was in there for an hour maybe before they came out.

While I was sitting in the waiting room there was an older woman with a few friends sitting in there with me..and a young girl (my age or younger) came in (obviously just leaving the room of whoever they were there for) and her eyes were red and swollen...the tears just wouldn't seem to stop. I'm curious in general. I have a horrible tendency to listen in when people talk. So eventually I caught an idea of what was going on (mainly from the two older women that were friends of the family talking to a woman from the support group in the hospital while the family was downstairs and then from when the woman came back upstairs and the support woman continued to.....well...support). This older woman's ONLY son is a senior in high school. He plays rugby. Hes planning to go to school for finances (he was thinking that over). Hes planning his graduation with a countdown (like we all did). And now hes most likely brain dead. The support woman was talking about whether or not she wanted to be there when he was declared brain dead, or when his heart stopped. She went on to describe the tests they were going to use to declare him brain dead. She used the anaology of holding your breath underwater....you go underwater and you wait and you wait and you wait..and eventually you have to push up and take a big breath--well apparently this test of taking him off the ventilator will push and push and push his brain to take that big breath..to save his own life. And if it doesn't...well then they know. His rugby team was there. I saw them walking around most of the day...with their little jackets with the team name.

Life obviously isn't fair.

After lunch when I went back in the room he woke up some more later and he started to cry again..not quite as hard I would imagine..hardly any tears...but it was like something was caught in his throat...which is scary with the trach in. He can't cough right with it in either...sometimes it seems like hes choking from the secretions coming out. Its scary. His ventilator tube came off of the trach today. I was terrified. Alarms were going off like crazy..and it still took his nurse at least 3 minutes to get in there.

My moms trying to be super mom of course. She wants to be the one to do everything. She wants to change his trach tubing. She wants to pull him up in the bed (with my help--when I'm a weakling and terrified to touch anything or move anything). She wants to exercise his arms and legs. She wants to brush his teeth. It terrifies me to watch...because in my mind. What if something goes wrong? What if its not done right and it takes the nurses 3 minutes to get in there? Ugh.

We got to talk to the neurologist working with Ben yesterday. He walked in and immediately gave off the "I'm much better and much smarter than you" vibe. His first sentence was about how he was there because medical (with a nasty edge to it) had nagged him to come talk to us. Well no freaking duh they did. They can't answer all of our questions...he should be able to. He gave off the air that he was talking down to us. Repeated things far too many times. He said that Ben's prognosis would probably be poor..because most with anoxic brain injury were. BUT he can not be certain because Ben is so young and because he is moving a lot. Apparently those things work in his favor. The medical doctor (hes young, understands what we're talking about, doesn't talk down to us, and nagged neurology to come down to see us for days--point is..I like him much more than the other) he told us that there is one big blood clot in both lungs (a lot of little ones too..but hes not worried about those). He also tried to get a representative from some group to come see us and talk about whats next and liability. The rep never showed up before we left but still.

We're on the road now (yes I'm blogging from the front seat of my mom's jeep cherokee). Its raining. Its foggy. Its getting dark. And I have a cramp in my left hand.